A wise professor of mine once advised, “Working out is the only thing you never regret.” Broken toes, ring worm and hernias not withstanding, the dude has a point.
The word exercise itself derives from the Latin exercere which translates to “keep away or prevent” and as research holds, physical activity keeps the blues at bay, the endorphins on high and revenge bodies on point.
Recent studies suggests that even moderate physical activity can stave off cognitive decline while the age defying physique of J.Lo indicates that rigorous exercise may be the key to immortality or at least, lasting hotness.
Whether your aim is to lose weight, build strength, feel powerful or burn off rage, there’s a workout for you and as with most life choices, astrology is here to help.
Wherever the road to fitness finds you, at home or in the gym, defined by dumbbells or downward dogs, RDLs or resistance bands, we wish you peace of mind, determination of will and strength of body. Read on to learn more.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Orange Theory Fitness
If Darwinism were a zodiac sign it would be Aries and if Aries were an exercise class, it would be Orange Theory Fitness. Ruled by Mars, Aries folk make for natural competitors. Their need to be first is matched only by a tendency to injure themselves on the way to the finish line. Orange Theory is a group exercise class where participants wear monitors that measure heart rate, output levels and caloric expenditure. Those stats are matched to names and announced via an electronic board in the front of the class. The goal is to spend a certain amount of time in the “orange zone” of maximum effort and while Aries prefers the color of blood to the color of sunsets, they can get onboard with the motivational power of a a score board and the primal desire to win.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus wants to feel good without working very hard which makes torpid sex and long walks in the woods their preferred methods of calisthenics. Stubborn as they are sensual, we won’t suggest bulls make a radical departure from their routine but adding more incline to their hikes and more dynamic sex positions to their portfolio equates to higher caloric burn and in turn, more room for snacks.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
The mind of a Gemini is filled with brilliant ideas, misattributed quotes, crippling anxieties, unrealized fantasies, fleeting fears, hummingbirds, pickled paranoia, fractal patterns and an internal monologue without pause or punctuation. For this reason, no sign is more in need of the medicine of meditation and the mind emptying, muscle stretching and spirit filling perimeters of the yoga mat.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Acutely sensitive to the actions, attitudes and micro aggressions of others, it is easy for Cancers to feel attacked by the world at large. The physically grueling community focused avenue of CrossFit, a HIIT workout developed by very problematic Cancer Greg Glassman, provides crabs the opportunity to feel strong and to be supported by a network of fit people they can share sweat, gains and feelings with. CrossFit is credited with popularizing the “Murph Workout,” a regimen named in honor of fallen NAVY Seal and gold star recipient Michael P. Murphy.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Barre / Pole dancing
Barre workouts are some unequivocal hot girl s**t and pure bait for Leos; plieing in a well lit, photo ready room, muscles are toned, posture is on point and you don’t have to compromise your blowout. For the more limber and performative of the lion pride, pole dancing is an excellent way to build confidence and core strength. Often unmade by a not so pretty competitive streak, both barre and pole classes allow lions to focus on themselves, a curative redirect.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo energy is all about efficiency and efficacy and the quickest way to get the most bang for the buck and calorie burn is tabata. A HIIT workout that can be completed in as little as four minutes, tabata takes you through eight rounds of 20 seconds of all out, balls to the wall, body bouncing, sweat spilling effort followed by 10 seconds of rest. The idea is that this maximum energy expenditure leads to a spike in heart rate that burns serious calories and enhances metabolism. Virgos are versed in perfection and tabata is about reaching the pinnacle of performance within a measured window.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libras often repress their anger and neglect their own needs for the good of the group. Kickboxing is an invitation for this indecisive air sign to react quickly, loosen the reigns on their rage in a safe way and embrace the gratification of a contact sport. It’s noble to keep the peace, but wise to know how and when to go to war.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Generally speaking, Scorpios are homebodies who operate as their own worst enemies. Enter Beachbody’s Insanity which productively indulges both of these qualities. This high octane video workout program can be completed in the lair, living room or cave of choice and utilizes exercises that have participants working against their own bodyweight. For similar reasons, Scorpios fare well with TRX ropes, which conveniently double as bondage accessories.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Easily bored and bound for adventure Sagittarius is a sign most at home on the road and comfortable in the saddle. Outdoors, and to a lesser extent stationary biking, offers archers a physical challenge they can control and a meditative momentum that helps them let go.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Be it a treadmill or the hamster wheel of capitalism, sea goats are climbers and strivers. Coined by Capricorn influencer Lauren Giraldo, the viral 12-3-30 workout sensation consists of setting a treadmill to a 12% incline and walking at a 3mph pace for 30 minutes. The workout, like being a Capricorn, is harder than it seems and is made effective by consistency and conviction.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Like all air signs, breath work is essential to the physical and mental well being of Aquarians. With their lofty ideals and wild imaginations, water bearers are often found with their head in the clouds. The ancient art of Tai Chi encourages the limitlessness of their minds while gently reminding them that they occupy a human from on the terrestrial plane.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Fish belong to, and in, water and swimming is an immersive, low impact exercise that clears the head and refreshes the body of the average Pisces. Easily overwhelmed with an eye fixed on escape, swimming provides the feeling of literal, if not emotional, weightlessness and the euphoria of a backstroke baptism.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.